Build a Life You Want (And don't be afraid to stand up for your desires)

 Hey, friends!

Today I am trying somethin entirely knew.

I wanted a chance to talk about and express an idea that I have been unable to escape from.

For the first time I am writing about something very personal to me.

I don’t have sources or experts to call upon. The idea is not one backed by years of scientific research either.

Instead I am talking about an idea that is all my own. My hope is to share a personal thought that I have been grappling with, and maybe in the process, gain a deeper understanding of myself.

Please let me know if you want more newsletters like this, where I talk about my own thoughts on more complex issues. Lastly I really hope you enjoy reading my work and thanks for coming along on my journey!

The Start

What will I do after my exchange program? This question has been on the forefront of my thoughts for weeks.

I have yet to discover my purpose in life, what drives me to get out of bed and greet every day with a smile. The purpose I live for.

At some point every person must make a choice that will radically change the trajectory of their lives.

For some, this choice is easy, but others find themselves at an impasse.

My time abroad is in some ways just a chance for me to delay this choice.

I keep telling myself that me in a year with all of the knowledge and experiences I have accrued during my exchange, will be able to easily pick a direction and forge ahead.

But now I am wondering if that’s true…

I think I place to much emphasize on the thoughts, feelings, and expectations of others.

But any decision influenced by someone else cannot be my decision alone.

That’s my problem, my future cannot under any circumstance be influenced by the opinions of those around me.

And yet, for years I have made decisions based off of what others think.

Because of my unwillingness to decide for myself, my future has been pushed in a direction that I am not happy with.

Now, I prepare to stand at the trailhead of two branching paths that could not be more different.

I face two decisions, one is the path I have prepared for, studied for, stressed for, and yes, even sacrificed for.

The other is an idea that represents every emotion and thought I have concealed. It represents my dream for a future that I want for myself.

To me, the former is the future placed upon me due to my inability to stand up for what I want.

The ladder is the future I could have if I let go of the opinions of other people and focused solely on the life I want.

These two paths represent a binary choice concealing within it a question: do I live for myself or for others?

My answer is the decision I make and the life I choose.

Yet, why do I stand petrified unable to decide, while my future slips peacefully downstream towards the life I know is easy, yet all too unsatisfying?

Maybe I am unwilling to put in the work necessary to build the life I want.

Maybe I lack the motivation or the agency that I need to reach for what I truly desire.

Or maybe it’s none of these.

I inherently reject the notion that some people are just to lazy or incapable to build a better life.

How can that be? We are all human right?

Sure, everyone starts somewhere different, and everyone must grapple with their own shortcomings, pitfalls, and circumstances.

But I believe we all suffer from the same inferiority, the same insecurities, and the same all to human imperfection.

perhaps this is the burden brought about by self consciousness.

Perhaps it is the punishment that we all to knowingly deserve.

After all, who could be worse than humans? No other animal is capable of the real, vengeful, and vile acts that we humans knowingly perpetrate.

Maybe we are all to aware that we don’t deserve the life we want.

Maybe deep down I understand my own potential for evil.

Maybe I seek to punish myself for my own immorality by depriving myself of the life I could have if only I was more deserving.

If were all so terrible, why should we deserve to be happy?

After all, nihilism is certainly easier than righteous self belief.

Life however, is not meaningless. It certainly must have purpose, otherwise why are we all here?

I believe that good and evil must be interconnected.

In order for humans to be capable of evil we must inherently understand our own weaknesses and insecurities.

Only then can we exploit those same weaknesses and insecurities in others.

If good and evil are logical opposites (Yin and Yang) as I believe them to be.

Then we must have an understanding of both good and evil.

That understanding comes with a choice, we can either use our knowledge of ourselves and of others to act out the greatest of evil or the purest of good.

Since the dawn of human civilization our lives have gotten considerably better.

There is more order and more structure, we abide by laws. There is considerably less violence and war too.

Life was once filled with violence and death: the gladiators and their arenas, Genghis Khan and his campaigns, and the many diseases that wreaked havoc across the world.

We are by no means perfect. Disease is still a considerable threat, and we still fight and kill our fellow humans.

But I truly believe that if you added up all of the evil human atrocities throughout history and plotted a graph over time, you would see that the world is becoming a better, safer place.

The majority of people consider those around them and make choices that prepare us for a better tomorrow and not a worse one.

Humans may be flawed, but we still strive upward.

We still seek a better future for those around us.

Why not do the same for yourself? As the world strives for a better tomorrow, perhaps you might deserve to go with them.

No matter how flawed, inferior, or insecure, maybe I do deserve to choose the life I want. Maybe we all do…

Strive upwards

Thanks for reading! Let me know if you would like more like this in the future. I didn’t intend for this writing to be depressing, and I think that it has a rather positive conclusion. All of my ideas are mere speculation and I am by no means an expert on the topic. I really hope you enjoyed reading! Have a great week!

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